2013 was the year my mental health dramatically improved, what with my stress levels plummeting, six months of psychiatry help and learning the art of “mindfulness”, and this has led me to reconsider much in my life that I don’t need anymore, and in 2014 that left just one thing left to change. It’s really weird situation, with a really tiresome back story so grab a pillow, a big coffee and let’s plough through my fucked up thinking.
When I ended up at high school, I had the great misfortune to end up in a class with three Mark’s, including me. Being socially inadequate and well outside my comfort zone after being split up from my friends, I thought this was unfair, so for some reason I changed my name, I don’t know why but I’m presuming it had something to do with wanting to stand out from the crowd of Mark’s.
I knew I would be in trouble after leaving school, and Mystic Mark was right. I really struggled in the outside world, nothing prepared me for what a cut throat world it was outside my little bubble. My spells of depression became more regular, lasted longer and progressively worse as I struggled to find work and was bounced from pillar to post as I, and those trying to help me, struggled to get me employment. I left school with no qualifications and no interest in academia.
When I did eventually find employment that interested me, it made not one iota of difference to my depression. As I was a coder in my spare time, I loved the mania spells in which everything was possible and worked first time, which was in contrast to the down times where nothing worked and I struggled for inspiration. In an effort to find that magic spark in my dark days, I turned increasingly to drink and other substances, and while it eased my creativity issues, it didn’t help my mind which continued to sink further. I threw myself into my work, pulling 36 hour shifts many times just to try to focus my mind away from other things going on.
As I said to my psychiatrist, Marc was the loud-mouth, over-confident, insensitive, arrogant fucker who I probably wouldn’t want to befriend given the choice. Mark on the other hand is a quiet, anxiety ridden depressive who wouldn’t say boo to a ghost.
This is the joy of the internet, complete anonymity and you can project whatever personality you wanted to the world, which didn’t help my almost schizophrenic existence one bit.
But thanks to nervous breakdowns, rampant panic attacks, six months of therapy and medication, my anxiety and depression is pretty much under control, and now my life has changed in all so many ways, my independence… oh sorry, that’s the Beatles isn’t it. But you get the picture, so I’m ending this dissociative identity disorder. The best bits of Marc and Mark together into one entity now so I’ve now had to go through the all my accounts and switched me name around, and hopefully this post will avoid any stupid questions my friends have.
With this “fix” to my past personality faults now fixed now complete, I thought it was time to change URL, “border of insanity” was fine for that period of my life, but it’s a little old hat now. I needed something better as I hit my mid-life crisis head on. So after much thinking, for at least five minutes, I’ve moved over to rndsht.com.
As you can see from the scribbles on my work notepad, this was well thought out.