Girlfriend: What the fuck is wrong with you! Why did you text me “I wanna eat a really hot curry, take some laxatives, squirt into a bag, smear it on my cock, and get you to kick me in the eyeball with 8 inch stilettos”?

Me: Oh sorry, stupid predictive text! I meant do you fancy doing anything tonight!?

Kid: *crying*

Teacher: What’s wrong

Kid: Everyone thinks I’m fat

Teacher: No…your not fat

Kid: I’m not?

Teacher: No, now run along…..well in your case plod.

Kate Middleton is married!

John Terry likes this.

Make little things count. Teach dwarfs maths

I went into Boots today and asked the assistant if they sell make up that has been tested on animals.

“No! We stopped selling that a long time ago. Why do you ask sir?” She replied

So I showed her a photo of a pig that looked fucking gorgeous.

I said “I reckon if it makes this pig look attractive, then it would have to work wonders on my wife.”

My mate’s missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a pint of milk and never come back!

I asked him how he was coping and he said,”Not bad, I’ve been using that powdered stuff.”

Carlos Ancelotti walks out of Stamford Bridge and two girls walk up to him, One says, ‘Will you sign my tits?’ He says okay and signs her tits.

The other girl pulls down her knickers and says, ‘Can you sign this?’

He hesitates and says, ‘I don’t know, the last time I signed a cunt it cost me £50 million!

I’ve had my census form sent back to me. Apparently I didn’t give acceptable answers.

In answer to the question, “Do you have any dependants?”, I put “Asylum seekers, the royal family, all the people who go on Jeremy Kyle, Northern Rock, RBS and half of Eastern Europe”.