This is probably the weirdest shit I’ve written, but that’s what happens when you listen to the same song for eight hours straight.
We’ve all been there. You’re minding your own business, scrolling through Instagram, when suddenly, Bittersweet Symphony starts playing through your headphones. And just like that, you’re not just you anymore. No, my friend. In this moment, you are Richard Ashcroft, walking down a foggy London street, looking so effortlessly cool and impossibly deep that even the pigeons stop to contemplate life. It’s as if the universe has handed you a soundtrack to your life, and now you are the star of your own music video.
Here’s the thing: Bittersweet Symphony is more than just a song. It’s a lifestyle. It’s a calling. It’s a declaration to the world that you have feelings, and those feelings? They’re deep. Like, Way-too-deep-for-Tuesday-morning-coffee kind of deep. So, how do you channel Richard Ashcroft’s cool and brooding vibes when that string intro hits your ears? Here’s how.
Get Your Walk on—But Make It Meaningful
The moment those strings swell, you suddenly find yourself walking differently. Gone are the days of a casual stroll. No, no. Now, you are a person on a mission. A mission to walk in the most dramatic, slow-motion fashion possible. You must shuffle down your hallway, around your office, or even just to the fridge like you’re traversing the gritty streets of London.
Pro Tip: Don’t rush. Richard Ashcroft didn’t walk fast in the video—he walked with purpose. Your steps should be deliberate, each one echoing the soundtrack of your internal crisis. Bonus points if you can avoid tripping over the laundry you were too lazy to fold last night.
The “No-Smile, Just Existential Sigh” Facial Expression
When you listen to Bittersweet Symphony, something magical happens: You become emotionally unavailable. All that joy and excitement? Gone. Instead, your face should convey a sense of profound disillusionment with life. You are not happy. You are not sad. You are simply aware.
How to Achieve the Perfect Ashcroft Stare:
- Stare into the middle distance as though the answers to life’s greatest questions are just out of reach.
- If anyone asks you how your day is going, respond with a shrug and a deep, almost imperceptible sigh. You don’t need to say much—just let the weight of your emotional complexity do the talking.
Dress Like You’re Too Cool for the Weather
Let’s talk about your outfit. Richard Ashcroft walks down that street in a blazer and jeans, a look that says, “I’m ready to tackle the world but also question everything about it.” The key here is to dress like you’re in the middle of a mid-life crisis, even if you’re in your twenties. It doesn’t have to make sense. In fact, it should look like you put zero effort into it, yet somehow you’re still the coolest person in the room.
Outfit Tips:
- A coat that feels too big, like you borrowed it from your cool uncle. It should hang just low enough to look like it might swallow you whole if you take a deep breath.
- Sneakers that could be either brand new or so worn out that they’ve seen more emotional baggage than you have.
- No sunglasses, though. Richard Ashcroft doesn’t need sunglasses. He’s already too cool to need to hide behind anything.
The World is Your Music Video—Now Act Like It
If you’re listening to Bittersweet Symphony, the world must adjust to your new persona. You don’t just walk into a room anymore, you enter it. Like you’re the lead in a film where everything and everyone else exists in muted colours, while you’re in high definition.
How to Pull Off This Cinematic Transformation:
- Walk into any room like you’re part of a dramatic movie scene, and you’re about to have an epiphany. You’re not just entering the coffee shop; you’re redefining your existence.
- If you pass someone, don’t make eye contact. That’s too simple. Instead, give them a subtle nod, as if you’re acknowledging their existence but can’t be bothered to speak. This nod should carry all the weight of the universe.
Use Your Headphones as a Shield Against the Mundanity of Life
In the video, Richard Ashcroft is walking through a world of people, but he’s above them. He’s not engaging with the crowds around him because he knows that, deep down, they’re not on his level. And you? You’re on that level. When you’re listening to Bittersweet Symphony, you’ve got an auditory barrier between you and the rest of humanity. You’re untouchable.
How to Use This Power Wisely:
- Pretend you don’t hear people calling your name or asking if you’re doing okay. You’ve got a journey to undertake, and answering questions is beneath you.
- If you must engage with others, do so with a sense of tragic inevitability. Let them know you’re only interacting because the universe made it inevitable.
Contemplate the Meaning of Everything (Even If It’s Just a Coffee Order)
You’re not just listening to Bittersweet Symphony—you’re living it. And as you stand in line at the coffee shop, suddenly every decision feels like a monumental one. Should you go for the oat milk latte or the almond milk cappuccino? Does it even matter? Does anything matter? Probably not. But in this moment, it feels like your entire life’s trajectory is riding on this choice.
Pro Tip: If the barista asks, “What can I get you?” pause dramatically. Look out the window for a few seconds, as though the answers to life’s questions are hidden in the clouds. Then, whisper: “Just a black coffee… no sugar. I like my life like my coffee—bittersweet.”
Embrace the Bittersweetness
In conclusion, when Bittersweet Symphony comes on, you are no longer just a person with errands to run or responsibilities to meet. You are Richard Ashcroft, the misunderstood soul, striding through life with the kind of gravitas that only comes from deep, reflective sadness. So, embrace it! Let the world around you fade into the background and live your life like it’s a music video—except maybe with a little less street walking and a bit more staring into your coffee cup.
And remember: The bittersweet part isn’t just the song. It’s you realising you’re not Richard Ashcroft… but for a few glorious moments, you absolutely are.
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